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When I first moved to Hollywood, I thought the official greeting of the town was "Spare change?" Now that I associate with a slightly higher class of people, I've come to realize that from now until the day I die, the first thing anyone is going to say to me is "What do you do?"
This is Tinseltown, after all - the motherland of creativity. So, how come creativity seems to be in such short supply when it comes to communication? I overhear cellphone conversations that are almost an insult to the technology, and I engage in conversations that are so ridiculous I can't believe they are actually going on.
I came out to Los Angeles to become a screenwriter, and I decided before I even began my journey out here that I would do what needed to be done to support my art until the day came when my art could support me. Any work is honest work, and I wasn't about to turn my nose up at a paycheck just because I went to a large state university. After all, I already had a chosen career: I wanted to write for the entertainment industry. Therefore, any job I work to earn my rent was just that - a job. If I enjoy it, great. If I don't enjoy it, it'll just fuel me to work that much harder at my writing so that I can get the hell away from my lousy job.
Well...
It has been said that everyone in L.A. is in show business. A phone call several months ago really put that into perspective for me.
Since leaving the daily grind of the studio system, I have been working with animal rescue charities. The pay is significantly less, but no editor or animator ever licked my face in appreciation (maybe for other reasons, but never in appreciation). I was referred to a cat rescue to do some work, and after talking with the woman in charge for a few minutes, she asked the magic question: "So, what do you do?" I thought I had just explained to her that I was willing to do whatever she needed done. She clarified her intent: "I mean, are you an actor, a musician...?"
"I'm a writer," I replied.
"Have you had any luck?" she asked.
Are you kidding me? Have I had any luck? Since moving to L.A., I've nothing BUT luck. I've sold over 600 screenplays, 3000 TV scripts, and I own four Las Vegas casinos and a small airline. You might wonder why someone like me is calling you to see if you'll pay me $10 an hour to scrub cat boxes. It's because I'm insane.
The bottom line is that not only is everyone in L.A. in show business, but everyone in L.A. wants everyone they encounter to know that they're in show business. Conversations about insurance, music, computers, cereal, politics or even kitty turds will inevitably turn into a conversation about "The Biz". So many people I initially meet make me feel like they're only waiting for the point in the conversation where they can ask me about my job. I believe their intent is to find out if maybe my job can help their job and they think that's what Hollywood is all about.
There's a movie called Peter's Friends. It's sort of a British version of The Big Chill about a bunch of 40-something friends getting together, with Rita Rudner playing an actress with a hit show who happens to be married to one of the friends. Her husband tells the story of how he had to call a plumber, who easily figured out whose home he was coming to. The plumber showed up the next morning driving a van that had "Plumber To The Stars" written on the side. In one hand he carried his tool box, and in the other hand he had a script for Rita Rudner's show titled, of course, "The Plumber". "I just called this guy YESTERDAY," screamed the husband. "What does it take to just get a damn plumber?!"
When we first come to Hollywood, the people we meet plague us with words like "network" and "contacts". They would have us believe that this is the way people get ahead in this town, even though it hasn't worked for them. I used to tell people "If I could make you famous, I'd be at a better party." There's no call for bugging every single person you meet. You'll end up getting a reputation as a pain in the ass, and nobody wants that. What you're also doing is helping to create a market for people who are just here to play games with your life. And, keep in mind that the person you turn your nose up at today because he's a courier driver or pet sitter could be the person you're pitching your script to a year from now when he's a director or development exec.
When it comes to climbing the career ladder, the best way to get noticed is to work hard. Nowhere outside of Hollywood is the expression "Good help is hard to find" more true. Somebody in charge who sees you working hard - especially if your hard work makes them look good - is going to be more open to you when you (delicately) broach the subject of your own career pursuits. And, when you talk to these people, keep in mind that they are probably approached continually for career help, so speak to them the way you would want to be spoken to. Don't just blurt out "Hey, I wrote a script - can you help me out?" You're not in the mob, so don't ask for favors - these people don't owe you a thing. Ask for advice. Ask for some insight. Ask how they got their start. Talk to them like they're people, not a cog in the system you're trying to interface with.
Ultimately, your goal with people is to make them feel comfortable in your presence, so when you go to a party, try to have some fun. It's much more attractive than shoving your tacky-looking homemade business card in everybody's face and trying to talk shop to someone who just finished an 80-hour work week (emphasis on the word "finished").
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