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New in town? You're in for quite a ride.
Los Angeles is unique in that it attracts all the most ridiculous people from all over the world, all coming here for different reasons. Some people outgrow their little towns, being the prettiest or the most talented. Some people find absolutely nothing enriching or nurturing where they live and come to L.A. to release their creativity. Some people are sick of being the biggest freak in town, so they come out to Freak Central where they can wander the streets with rainbow-colored hair and piercings that connect their left nostril to their right butt cheek with a chain made out of ostrich toenails and spout off their theories on communist aliens while they mooch cigarettes - and still go relatively unnoticed. Some people just feel like everyone's looking at them and they come to L.A. to get lost in the crowd.
The city's full of culture, too. Nowhere else can you get such a sampling of what the rest of the world is full of. There's nowhere you could go in Kansas or Utah and watch a customer argue with a bank teller, both getting louder and louder until the manager and security guard come over and try to reason with the two of them... with all four participants speaking broken English with a different accent. If you're really into languages, you'll be in your glory once the people around you start talking technical to let you know that they are now players in the industry. Rookie mistake: Don't ask any questions about what they're saying. They're intentionally talking over your head to feel superior, and this is just their pathetic way of getting attention. Besides, asking questions will just drag it out longer, and you don't want that.
I think that other countries have garbage fairies who pick up trash door-to-door, so don't be surprised when you see your neighbors leave bags of trash on their stoop instead of taking it twenty feet to the dumpster. And, nothing says L.A. like an attitude problem mixed with a shot of tacky and a pinch of desperation, and oh, how well that comes out in the tip cups you see everywhere now. I'm not talking about an attractive kiln-fired decorative; I'm talking about a styrofoam drink cup mounted to the top of a cash register with three rolls of yellowing tape and TIPP'S written on it in ballpoint pen.
It's not just sights and sounds here. Why, just a few hours ago I was in line at the supermarket between a baby with a loaded diaper and an old woman who smelled like a giant, wet ashtray. Living in L.A. is a constant reminder that no matter how long you go between showers, you can always wash sweat out of your body hair by pouring cheap cologne all over yourself.
If you really want to experience L.A., however, nothing beats giving a ride to a stranger - unless it's trying to get that stranger out of your car once you realize he's completely insane. I was once flagged down by a woman who desperately needed help, then proceeded to tell me that her brother was murdered by (big name movie star) and his bodyguard. She then demanded that I take her to McDonald's.
This ain't Massachusetts, people. Neighbors out here don't bring you soup when you're sick or feed your dog when you're out of town - especially when you live in an apartment. Neighbors park in your driveway, leave used tissues in the magazine holder at the mailbox, blow smoke in your window and make noise all night long. I once came home on a hot July day to see my neighbor's trash bag sitting outside her door - right up against my air conditioner - which gave my apartment that hot garbage smell. I once came home to find all the parking spaces in our parking lot empty... except for mine, where my neighbor had parked his car (even though his own space was empty). I had a neighbor that had some friends over late one night, and when the friend's baby starting crying and screaming, the woman left their apartment and stood next to my open window so that the shrill screeching could fry my sleep-deprived brain. As far as I'm concerned, Hollywood neighbors are just crazy strangers who know where you live... and roommates are crazy strangers who have free run of your home.
Before you ask, the answer is "no" - you're probably not going to have a prosperous writing career if you don't live in a big city. It's not just that the industry is in L.A., it's that this is where stories breed. If you start from the bottom and work your way up, you see all sorts of things that stay with you throughout your career. If you write a wonderful script about a bunch of goofy clerks at a tire center in Amarillo, what are you going to follow it up with? Your life has been the same since day one, and you spent all your creative savings on one script. It's been said a million times: "You need to get out more."
WARNING: Like I said, this ain't the world you knew back home, so don't expect to have all the comforts you had when you lived with Mommy and Daddy. Southern California is the animal abuse capital of the world, and it's mostly due to the transient population of entertainment hopefuls who can barely provide for themselves. Working with local animal rescues, I have fielded many phone calls from people who are being forced to move to a place where they can't have animals, and they must now unload the pet that loves them in the name of self-preservation. The animal rescues are full, the city shelters are jaded and impatient, and the streets are just plain ruthless. Until you are COMPLETELY SETTLED AND STABLE, don't subject an innocent animal to your unpredictable life.
It's not easy out here, people, but it's all part of paying your dues, so keep your eyes open and absorb all you can. One day when you've got your ranch in the north valley, this will all be fodder for your next screenplay. Or, you may be watching TV one day and suddenly realize that one of your neighbors has been writing about you.
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