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There's a lot of things in this world that I don't understand.
I don't understand why we're not supposed to put cotton swabs in our ears, but it's perfectly okay to dig stuff out of our gums with a pointed piece of wood.
I don't understand why smokers aren't allowed to smoke in a bar full of smokers... but it's okay for them to smoke in a minivan full of children.
I don't understand how pet food companies can market LESS ACTIVE cat food. If my cat was any "less active" I wouldn't need to buy cat food any more.
I don't understand how they can run infomercials for exercise equipment at 3AM. You know what a Nordic Trak is to someone watching TV at three in the morning? It's a hamper.
I don't understand why people only hear voices telling them to kill. Why doesn't anyone hear a dark voice telling them to rake their elderly neighbor's lawn or feed some stray kittens?
I don't understand how a gas station can sell 2600 different kinds of sprays, gum, mints, fabric refreshers and perfumes all designed to eliminate bad odors... but their bathroom smells like Satan's colon.
I don't understand why we show pictures of wanted criminals and missing children on America's Most Wanted... instead of during EVERY commercial break of EVERY TV show.
I don't understand why every person in Hollywood on the receiving end of a script complains that just about everything they read is complete garbage, but there is no way in hell they would dream of changing their script submission policy to allow for an influx of new, undiscovered talent. I never understood this thought process... until I saw the new season of American Idol.
I didn't watch American Idol last year. I'm not big on make-you-famous contests. This year, however, the show pulled a nifty stunt: The Best of the Worst. I saw a commercial featuring a bunch of horrible singing auditions and I knew I had to watch. What I saw were people that wanted to be stars in the WORST way. They had no talent and no preparation, but the Fame Train had pulled into town, and they were determined to get on it. I actually saw a girl hum "The Chicken Dance", which can barely be classified as a song. While she uttered "Dadda dadda dadda da, dun dun dun dun" she made chicken beak movements with her hands. I still want to smack her.
Many people in Hollywood live by the motto "If you throw enough crap against the wall, some of it will stick." That may be true - but whether it sticks or not, it's still crap. Personally, I don't want to have a career built on crap.
Try to put yourself in the place of the producers/agents/development execs that we all so desperately want to reach. Every writer bitches about lack of adequate access to these people, but look what happens when they throw open their doors. Over 50,000 people in seven cities came out to audition for American Idol, and only 234 were chosen to go on to the next round. This is less than half a percent! From the 234, 32 contestants were deemed worthy to compete for a spot in the top ten. Out of the people who were good enough to compete, only 14% had enough professionalism and talent to be taken seriously. Overall, we're looking at a .064% payoff - that's 1 out of every 1562.
Now, imagine all those horrible auditions are pitches for screenplays. If you threw open your doors and people came in and threw crap on your walls, how quickly would you slam your doors shut? Not only would your doors be promptly closed, locked and barricaded, you would probably not let anyone in unless someone you knew and trusted promised you that the crap throwing would be held to a minimal.
I wish there was a way to let all the crap throwers know that they are just ruining it for everyone else. I'd be willing to bet that Chicken Dance Girl didn't have the Chicken Dance Tribute Album at home, featuring great renditions of the song by Foo Fighters, Lenny Kravitz, Ice Cube and SheDaisy. If one existed, I'd be willing to bet she wouldn't buy it. Why, then, is she here trying to sell it?
I'll tell you next week. |
