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People are already asking me "Where's the advice?" Please. Does it say Dear Abby at the top of this column?
"How do I get an agent?" Simple. Sell a screenplay. The agents will be fighting over you.
"How do I get the right people to read my script?" That's an easy one: Become famous. When you're famous, people will do anything for you. More importantly, people will read your script. It doesn't matter what you're famous for. A script from Brittany Spears holds just as much weight as a script from Lyle Menendez. No one actually believes that a pretty teenage pop singer or a convicted murderer has any more screenwriting talent than the average Hollywood hopeful. One of the perks of having power in Hollywood is being able to tell your peers that you had a meeting with a big name personality. No one's bragging that they met with a nobody, no matter how talented that nobody is. And, yes, I am completely aware of the irony of a world where Brittany Spears can get a screenplay read when she doesn't even write those 8-line songs she sings.
If I could give one piece of advice to people beginning their Hollywood struggle, it would be "Don't listen to anyone's advice." Everyone you encounter at your level is going to insist that they have the magic formula for success, and it's just not true. Even if they have some success under their belt, that doesn't mean that what worked for them will work for you. Ask a thousand successful people in Hollywood how they got their start or their big break and you'll get a thousand different stories.
I realize that the advice I gave at the top of the column is impractical. I've met a lot of people, seen a lot of ridiculous behavior, and heard a lot of bad advice. I've seen wanna-be's act like superstars and never-gonna-be's act like kings.
The best advice I can give you is the advice I follow myself: Consider the source.
If someone tells you how to get an agent, he better have an agent or be an agent. I've talked to producers who don't know how to get an agent, so what does your co-worker at the telemarketing center know? People who work in the legal department at talent agencies don't know what agents are looking for.
We are all aware of how badly people in Hollywood want to be famous, and for a lot of them it doesn't matter if they're famous to the whole planet or just to you. People in this town talk out their ass just to hear how it sounds, and soak up the subsequent attention like it's life-sustaining fuel. Take advice from people who are doing it, not from people who are watching it or just wishing for it to fall out of the sky into their laps.
My favorite story about ridiculous advice came from a job interview. This was completely outside the Hollywood system, but, while interviewing for this job, the interviewer asked if I could handle what would essentially be a lot of down time. Certainly, I replied - it would give me time to write. The interviewer then went on and on... and on... and on with her pointless advice regarding my endeavors. I don't even remember what she said, because it was such drivel my brain began to melt. I do remember her saying "My sister worked at (big studio) for twenty years, so I should know." You don't know squat. My brother does computer-aided drafting and designs Subway sandwich shops, but that doesn't mean that I know how to build a restaurant. This is schoolyard logic. This is the snotty 9-year-old on the bus telling you the law because "My dad's a lawyer, so I oughta know."
Of course you do.
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