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I've often said that Hollywood is like high school. How appropriate that the town is full of people who had horrible high school experiences who are now trying to live out their John Hughes movie fantasies. Couldn't play sports in high school? That's okay - come to Hollywood and write, produce or direct a sports movie. Rode the bus while the cool kids drove a sports car? Well, now you're 31, work in Hollywood, drive a BMW, and the guy you envied in high school is driving a 14-year-old primer-colored Camaro. Being a regular girl on TV is more attractive than being the Lotus Princess of the country fair in Nebraska.
Since I'm taking you back to high school this week, it's time you learned a little math. No, not the kind of math where you write a check and have that much less money, or where you add three numbers and come up with a sum. This is Hollywood math.
Here's your sample question:
The rent on your apartment is $1000 a month. If you get four roommates to help you split the rent, how much will you spend on rent each month?
A: $1500. Most of the people in Hollywood who overload apartments can't afford ANY amount of rent. If you can afford $200, you can probably afford $400 and live like a real person with one roommate in the next bed instead of four mattresses on the floor. Since you're the only one with any sense of responsibility, you'll be fronting everyone's rent... plus late fees... plus the late fees for the bills you diverted money from to pay the rent.
Understand how this works? Let's put your growing knowledge to the test.
Q. Your roommate has a friend who hangs out at your apartment every day. He lives with his parents, who bought him a Mercedes. He watches your TV, drinks your sodas, and even gets calls on your phone. Today, you need to get to a job interview near his parents' house, and he just happens to be going home as you're leaving. What are the odds he'll give you a ride?
A: 2 to 1 - depending on whether or not you're will to pay him. The way he sees it, it would've cost you $2.00 to ride the bus, so it's not unreasonable to expect $3.00 to ride in a Mercedes.
Q. At the snack shop, you see co-worker Linda paying for her morning coffee and snack cake with a ten dollar bill, leaving her with $6.00 for lunch. You have lunch plans with another co-worker, Rachel. As you and Rachel are leaving for lunch, Linda invites herself. What is the maximum value entr?e Linda can order?
A. Not being one to enjoy suffering or sacrifice, Linda comfortably orders a $5.99 entr?e. She also orders a drink and a desert. With tax and tip (and selfishness and ignorance), that comes to $6.00, which she grudgingly contributes towards the bill.
Q. There are $47 worth of phone calls made to Ohio, and only one of your roommates, Mike, is from Ohio. If you factor in Mike's share of the basic phone service, how much does Mike owe for the phone bill?
A. According to Mike, it'll be $8.00, because those calls aren't his... even though they were his last month. Somebody else in the apartment must be calling his mother.
Q. A hamburger is 59 cents, a cheeseburger is 69 cents. If a whopper costs $1.99, how much does a whopper with cheese cost?
A. $2.39. Why? Because you don't TOUCH the whopper unless you're in the union, buster. Sorry, got a little carried away there. But, really, why does it cost 10 cents to put a slice of cheese on a hamburger and 40 cents to put a slice of cheese on a whopper?
Q. You and your roommate each pay $400 a month for your two-bedroom apartment. He announces that his "girlfriend" (who he has known for less than a week) is moving in. After adjustments are made for your new living conditions, how much is your new rent?
A. Here's the new rent, same as the old rent. If your roommate understands the concept of compensation or consideration, you'll be the last to know. Since this deal works to his benefit, he's convinced himself that rent is paid per room, and the apartment at large is just open to the general public.
Q. If you actually have a job and earn a paycheck, what percentage of that paycheck do you need to save?
A. Are you kidding me? Save money? Please. That's only for responsible people. As long as you're surrounded by users and loser, the faster you spend your money, the quicker you can get back to mooching off everyone around you.
We'll try one more, just to make sure this lesson is sinking in. This one's a doozie, so pay attention.
Q. A girl you worked with for one day calls you out of the blue for a ride so she can pick up some money from her brother. If Glendale (you) is 30 miles from Torrance (her), and Torrance is 40 miles from Northridge (her brother), then: A) How long will the entire trip take? B) How much money will she be receiving to make such a journey worthwhile? C) How much reimbursement will you receive for this vast outlay of time and resources?
A. The answers will astound you. A) Since it is 3:30 on a Friday afternoon and traffic through the city moves at a rate of about 12 mph, allowing for lighter traffic after about 8:30, you could reasonably be home by 10PM. B) Two thou...? (LOWER!! LOWER!!) One thou...? (LOWER!! LOWER!!) Five hun...? (LOWER!! LOWER!!) Seventy five...? (LOWER!! LOWER!!) The answer is TEN DOLLARS!!! Can you freakin' believe that? C) Let's see. 140 miles at about 15 mpg at about $1.60 a gallon plus six hours of your time plus the two hours of missed work... Are you kidding me?! If she's only getting ten dollars, the only thing you're getting is screwed.
In Hollywood, they say less is more. Everywhere else, less is actually less. If it was more, they'd call it more. This is just another Hollywood mathematical illusion designed to confuse the uninitiated. If you were in Georgia and you ordered a breakfast plate with six slices of bacon and they brought you two and said "Less is more" you'd let your displeasure be known. In Hollywood, we smile and take it. "Two for the price of six? Lucky me."
The premise of this idea is to let you know not to overdo it. You want to have a beer or two, that's fine - just don't drink so much that you embarrass your boss or drive into a bus. You like rich food? Who doesn't? Just make sure you balance it with exercise and healthy food so you don't have a stroke when you're 35. You want to project the best image when you're face to face with someone you're hoping to sell a script to? Make it spectacular, but keep it short. If they want more, they'll ask for more.
And don't waste your time, money and energy on people who don't appreciate you. People in Hollywood will drain you dry and spit in your face for not having anything left that they can take from you. Please - if you're serious about making it in this town - rely on yourself and get far away from people who are never going to appreciate anything... especially you. Don't be fooled into thinking that helping them will somehow translate into them helping you, and don't get sucked in to what everyone else is doing if it's not what you're into. People who are actually going to help you are people who actually respect you - and those people can take care of themselves.
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