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The system doesn't work.
Words to live by. It applies to everyone. It's part of life. Even the greatest machine in the world has problems... because it was built by people.
The last time I had to go to court, I stopped in the men's room and couldn't help but notice all the graffiti gouged into every scratchable surface - probably by young men who just got done convincing a judge that they would never deface public property again.
I get at least three telemarketer calls per week. More often than not it's my phone company trying to sell me Caller I.D. technology that also screens out telemarketers. How about you just stop calling me? The money you waste paying people to listen to me say "No" is probably about the same as the monthly payment you're trying to squeeze out of me.
I am forced to go to the Bank of Stupidity about three times a month, and while I wait for the teller to figure out her job (again), I stare at the advertisement where you can have your photo put on your credit card. It has nine different depictions for the various levels of credit as well as the cards that get you frequent flyer miles. The very last one is for Alaska Airlines, and it's the only one that has a photo of a black man. I know every time I see a black guy at the airport I think to myself "It must be party time in Alaska."
While at the bank, I will cash a check at the same time I make a payment on my Visa card. I don't understand why they still need to see my driver's license, but, okay. The baffling part is when they want a second form of I.D. Do you think I mugged a guy who looks exactly like me, and while I'm cashing his check I decided to be nice and make a payment on his credit card? As a second I.D., I present my Visa card (no photo on it), and the clerk is happy.
On the Comedy Central show Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, I saw comedian Nick DiPaolo wearing a pair of pants with one full-length leg and one short leg. Apparently, these are not for medical reasons - these are based on the new fashion trend where people roll up one pant leg to emulate NYC bicycle messengers, who do this to keep their pants from getting caught in the bike chains. I don't know when we as a society decided that we would emulate a group of people who are crazy enough to ride bicycles through Manhattan traffic, but we already have pants to wear when riding a bike: they're called bike pants.
A woman who invests $140,000 on her college education won't make as much money as a woman who invests $5,000 on breast implants.
Our world is so messed up that there is actually a place where you can buy sperm. It's called a sperm bank, and women go there to pick out the most biologically perfect specimen of manhood money can buy to fertilize their precious eggs and create the greatest child the world has ever seen. Athletic superstars, Nobel Prize-winning scientists, literary savants - all are represented at this lovely establishment, because these are exactly the type of people who need $25 so badly they'd sell their sperm at a public facility. Right after their multi-million dollar grants and product endorsement deals run dry, these people are desperately thinking "Where can I make a quick 25 bucks?" Ladies, get real. The kinds of guys who sell their sperm are doing it because they're out of beer money.
Yes, I'm going somewhere with this.
We all understand the Hollywood system. A writer writes a script, sells it to a producer who in turn hires people to film the movie and act in it. As writers, we know the tough part is getting the script from our hands to the producer's hands. We also know that producers won't take scripts unless they're submitted through an agent. And, we know that agents won't even consider you unless you come recommended by a producer because he's going to buy your script.
The system doesn't work.
When I first started this column, I had three goals:
1. Further my career - I wanted to learn, and I couldn't find the answers to the questions I was asking. So, I decided that I'll just ask the questions myself. This will teach me what I need to know, thereby making me better equipped as I stumble down my chosen path.
2. Give those who deal with writers a voice - Just like I couldn't find the answers to my questions, a lot of people with answers didn't have the forum to spread that net across Hollywood. Everyone at every job has complaints, and I wanted to hear what people who deal with writers complain about. What do we do that annoys you? What aren't we doing that you think is so simple or so obvious we should know it before we set foot in this town, yet so many don't? Tell us what's wrong, and we'll make it right, and it will make your job so much easier.
3. Clean house - There are too many people here that don't belong here. They're not serious, they're not creative and they're not welcomed. They are speed bumps and road blocks who do nothing more than get in the way of serious artists. I wanted these people to read about my experiences with people like them and realize they were being ridiculed. I wanted them to read the anecdotes of horror that industry pros recounted and realize that they weren't players - they were embarrassments.
In the past five weeks, I have sent out several letters and made numerous phone calls to agents, either searching for representation or requesting interviews of their writers and trainees. The only response I've gotten is the one letter that got returned because the agent doesn't work there any more.
I guess the big question is: If you spend your day being angry at something that you don't seem to be able to change... and finally someone gives you the chance to change it... why don't you do it? Certainly, if an agent contacted me and said he would be able to shop my scripts to producers - and I saw clear evidence that he could - I wouldn't continue to rail against the system and complain that I can't get my scripts to production companies. So, if you spend all day bitching about how stupid writers are and screaming "Why don't they know better?", why wouldn't you take a few minutes to let them know this? Yelling at the wall doesn't accomplish anything.
I have questions. I need answers. I have a forum. Let's hear your complaints.
Teach us, and we shall learn.
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