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Let me take you back a bit.
It's nearing the end of Season 3 of Friends. Monica is dating Pete (John Favreau, about 50 pounds heavier than he was in Swingers), who is a multi-millionaire software developer. He has decided that he wants to become the Ultimate Fighting Champion. His first match is against wrecking machine Tank Abbott, who demolishes Pete. Afterwards, Monica confronts him about giving up this ridiculous pursuit.
PETE
I'm not gonna stop until I'm the Ultimate Fighting Champion.
MONICA
That guy stood on your neck until you passed out!
PETE
Let me tell you a story. When I set out to create Moss 865, do you think it just happened overnight? No. There was Moss 1 that burnt down my Dad's garage. There was Moss 2 that would only schedule appointments in January, and 862 others that I learned from, just like I learned from this fight never to let a guy stand on my neck.
MONICA
You didn't know that already?
Such is life. Such is Hollywood.
There are plenty of things we think other people should know, and they simply don't.
I would think my neighbors would know that if they park in the driveway, they might be blocking the way of the other people who live here. They don't.
I would think McDonald's would know that the drive-thru window is not the place to put up a sign advertising their brail menus. Blind people don't use the drive-thru. I thought everyone knew that. I guess not.
I think people with kids would be concerned about the world's depleting resources, and at the very least they would recycle. Doesn't happen. I once saw a guy stack his newspapers on top of the recycling receptacle and then methodically force them into the overflowing dumpster.
I would think that the Chinese people would remember their violent history with the Mongols. They built a wall around THE ENTIRE COUNTRY to keep these people out. At every Chinese restaurant I've ever been to, there was a huge picture of The Great Wall hanging in plain view. There was also Mongolian Beef on the menu. DID YOU NOT SEE THE WALL?!! IT'S YOUR COUNTRY'S MOST PROMINENT LANDMARK!! YOU CAN SEE IT FROM SPACE WITHOUT A TELESCOPE!! YOU CAN'T GO TO A KOSHER DELI AND GET A HITLER SANDWICH!!!
I would think that I would know better than to think that the system works, especially in Hollywood. You're told to do things a certain way - "We have ways of doing things in this town" - but they produce no results.
"Hello? Industry Professional? I'd like to submit my script."
"We only take submissions through agents."
"Hello? Agent? I'd like to submit my script."
"We only take submissions that are recommended by industry professionals."
I've often compared pursuits in Hollywood to chess games against a computer. You can beat the chess computer, but never the same way twice. The computer doesn't like to lose. It knows it's smarter than you. It is the collective intelligence of the smartest people on Earth - it must be smarter than YOU. Hollywood is the same way. You can beat the system - people DO win in this town - but you can only win the same way once. After that, the lesson has been learned, and the appropriate defenses go up.
I'm a bottom line type of guy, and with agents, I've finally learned that the bottom line is that they aren't into building careers. They will gladly represent your career if you have a career to represent. They aren't producers, and they don't know a good script from a bad pizza. What they know is the business of Hollywood, and what they are looking for is clients who generate money. If you show that you have the skills, talent and perseverance to make it in this town, then and only then will the agencies take an interest in you.
The sad part is that, of course, the system doesn't work. Too many good writers are being shut out. Discouragement, depression, survival and necessity kick in long before success does. We've all heard about how Stephen King got fed up and threw his manuscript in the trash, giving up his writing pursuits. His wife fished Carey out of the garbage, and a legend was born.
Not all of us have that kind of support behind us. I think the worst system of all is the one where people complain that they can't find any good scripts but they restrict the pool they draw from. I know this system has been corrupted by the greedy no-talents who are just trying to sell anything they can, but the solution isn't to shut everyone out.
Since shutting everyone out isn't working, maybe a better solution is doing the complete opposite. I've seen these pitch sessions work wonders. Production companies could run these sessions like open mic night, where once a week or once a month writers could come down, sign up for a time slot, sign a legal release, and pitch to development execs in five-minute slots. At lunch, the development department can laugh about the worst ones. It's win/win.
Necessity is truly the mother of invention. If those of you in charge want us writers to come to you with good scripts, stop putting out crappy movies and encouraging the "I can do better than THAT" mentality. As writers, our mentality should be "I can do something great - and that's exactly what I've done."
"Hello? Angry mobster? I'd like to place a very large bet that I can't pay off and insult some of your female relatives."
"Sure thing. We'll send some goons right over to put a bullet in your head."
Thank you. Now, that's how a system should work.
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