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Hit TV shows are no small feat - especially on network TV. Prime time is so full of alternatives to crappy sitcoms that we are now free to watch shows that aren't named after the star and might last longer than six episodes. How can I watch Whoopie or Louie when South Park is followed by The Man Show? How can I watch CBS when Playmakers is actually drawing me to ESPN? How can I watch Will & Grace when I know that the guy playing Will is hetero? I guess it's too hard to find a gay man in Hollywood who wants a lot of attention.
So, John Ritter is dead and ABC is trying to figure out how to drag out the unpredictable success of 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter. Personally, I couldn't take this show (even though I love Katey Sagal and John Ritter), and I couldn't care less if it disappeared. The only problem is that if they pull the show, something worse might pop up in its place. I wouldn't watch the show, but I'd have to see the commercials, and it would make me crazy. I'm picturing Jonathan Taylor Thomas and Michael Frishman as frat boys-turned-den mothers for a group of kids that opt to join the cub scouts instead of being sent to a juvenile detention facility. Each child will have his own demented specialty that will come in handy at the appropriate time. When the car breaks down in the middle of nowhere, the car-jacker provides transportation. And, when they go on a camping trip, who better to mind the fire than the little pyro? It's Facts of Life meets Oz. Either that, or it's another star-driven bore-fest titled Clyde or Gus or Shakibar.
What can be done to fix this situation?
For the life of me, I can't remember what other series this happened in. I remember when the Sarge died on Hill Street Blues, and they wrote it into the show. Same thing when Coach died on Cheers. I cannot remember which show lost one of its main characters early on, and what they did about it, but I do have a solution for ABC.
In the late 70's/early 80's, there were a handful of movies that sported the theme of "sheltered white guy who suddenly finds himself affiliated with the black community." There was Soul Man, where C. Thomas Howell overdoses on tanning pills so that he can get a scholarship designated for black students. George Segal found out his affair with his former secretary produced a black son in Carbon Copy. In more recent days, the white guys are forcibly trying to affiliate themselves with the black community in an effort to be cool. That's already old and tired and very, very aggravating.
It's time to go old school.
There was a movie called Watermelon Man, in which a well-to-do white guy wakes up one day and he's a black man. No explanation - no nothing. He's just black.
That's my solution.
Katey Sagal has a weird dream. She wakes up, panicked, and turns to the man in bed next to her. His voice says: "It's okay, baby." Katey looks confused, then turns on the light, and freaks when she sees a black man in bed next to her. "It's okay, honey. It's just me." But, it's not. It's still Paul Hennessey, except now it's Ice Cube playing the character. No one knows what happened - he just woke up black. And now, there's 8 Simple Rules that will be followed by an ass whuppin' if anyone pisses off dad.
That's one solution.
I have another solution that's based on a TV phenomena from the same era, where Dallas and Bob Newhart writers got themselves out of tricky situations with a good, old-fashioned dream sequence. In this one, Katey Sagal wakes up and she's wearing a big red wig and is in bed next to Ed O'Neil. Bud and Kelly are now played by the boy and the older daughter from 8 Simple Rules. They could call the other girl Marcy and just go on with the show.
It worked on Married... with Children.
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