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So, you finally made a movie, and now it's about to hit the theaters. Pretty proud of yourself, are ya? Well, you should be. It takes a lot to get a movie into theaters. It also takes a lot to get an audience into theaters.
Here's a list of things that'll make me NOT go to a movie. Try to leave them out of your script so that the marketing department isn't tempted to litter the trailer with them.
First of all, if the movie is an obvious vehicle for some flavor-of-the-moment personality, I'm out of it before I'm ever into it. We all remember how wonderful Cool As Ice was, so why wouldn't a movie starring Clay Aikens, Dr. Phil and Jarred from Subway be a big hit? This flavor-of-the-moment curse also applies to anyone who was in a surprise hit movie and is now making their next on-screen move. I'll be moving to the next theater, thank you.
If the movie's title is something that is trying too hard to be cool, I'm out. Like, if the title is 2Hard 2B Kewl, or anything with the number 2 or 4 being used as a word instead of a sequel designation, I can't wait until I never have to see this commercial again. The same goes for any hip catch phrase, unexplainable trend or popular song that someone's trying to force a film out of. "Coming soon - The Macarena Movie." Can you taste the bile?
Fish out of water scenarios are a popular movie theme, but if I see one more group of dopey old white folk singing a hip-hop song I'm going to scream. The only exception would be if they remade Freaky Friday one more time, except this time a sexy white woman would mystically trade places with a gay black man. I wonder how Ed Begley, Jr. would handle sexual advances by Michael Clark Duncan while wife Heather Locklear has to do security at the DMX show?
The announcer can draw you in to the theaters by making your pulse race, but he can also repel with standard, predictable tag lines. If I hear "Blah blah blah, blah blahbba blah... but all that's about to change", I'm probably not going to this movie, because NOTHING is going to change. This will be the same old crap.
If I hear "... Now, all they have is each other" I'm thinking that it's a good thing they have each other because I'm not going to be anywhere near these people, or their movie.
"Blah blah blah, blah blah, blahbedee blah blah blech - until NOW." Do I really have to say it?
Some great lines from the movie's characters can really get you hopping, but the same run-of-the-mill speech patterns might as well be telling you "Don't waste your money." The next time I hear a film character say "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you," "My bad" "It's all good" or "In the house," you know exactly where I'll be. I'll be in my house, because if I see this, I'll have to kill myself. And, it's not all good - not good at all. None of it. NOT GOOD!!! VERY, VERY BAD!!
Marketing has its place. Basically, it's a tool to make up your mind for you. Not sure what kind of car you want to buy? Buy this one because it's the only one that will make you look successful. What soft drink should you buy? Buy this one because it'll make you feel young and look cool. What brand of beer should you drink? Drink this one because pretty girls will stand near you while you drink it and maybe touch you. These sneakers will make you run and jump like a pro athlete; this brand of gasoline will turn your car into the Batmobile; this foot odor powder will help you win the lottery; feed your dog this dog food and your bald spot will grow hair; shop at our towel store and your breasts and/or penis will increase in size. Really - we promise. Have we ever lied to you?
My favorite example of marketing comes from the television show Coach. What made Hayden Fox (Craig T. Nelson) such a funny character was that he was such a tight ass. He had his way of doing things, and no one was going to sway him no matter how much marketing he was exposed to. He is a sportsman and a businessman, so of course his only child is an artist. To please daddy, she puts her talent to work for an ad agency, and when he comes to visit her in NYC, she makes him the center of a test group for a new bottled water.
"So, Coach Fox, would you buy this product?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because in Minnesota, we have these things called faucets. You turn them on, and water just comes pouring out of them."
"So, what would make you buy this bottle?"
"Put beer in it."
It's the practical approach. What appeals to one doesn't appeal to all. Some people go to the movies to see storybook romances and some go to see car chases. Even those who go to see the little guy triumph over impossible odds and become the hero might want to see it in different fashions, be it Forrest Gump or Spider Man. Some people want water from a shiny bottle, some people will scoop beer out of a kiddie pool.
A message to all marketing people: we're on to your tricks. I know if I see a quote in the newspaper raving about your movie, I better check the small print to see who wrote it.
"Two thumbs up - WAY UP."
- Egbert & Roper
At the Movies
Okay, I'm impressed.
"The coolest movie I've seen all year."
- Skyler Lortislatt, Jr.
Tuskagoota County Weekly Shopper
Yes, I believe the reviewer from the Los Angeles Times also gave your pic a rave review. You're probably just sick of such adulation from a reputable source, so you went with something a little more "out there" to go along with your off-beat movie.
You know what would make me go into a theater showing this movie? Right - put beer in it.
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