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Who watched the HBO series Carnivale? Put your hands down, people - I can't see you. The show was great, and a big hit, which just goes to prove that there's nothing like a good freak show.
The best scene of the season came in the second-to-last episode, right after young Ben (Nick Stahl) hooks up with the sexy snake lady (Adrienne Barbeau). Even in her fifties, Adrienne Barbeau is still smokin', and it seems reasonable that even a carnie half her age would find her attractive.
The morning after, the bearded lady tells Ben - in her most sultry way - that she always wanted to be the one who landed the young roustabout. Her confidence was amazing. I know it's scripted, but I was in awe. This 230-pound woman WITH A BEARD somehow thought that a young man - or any man - would prefer her over Adrienne Barbeau!
If you make one resolution for this new year, make it one of these two: either get yourself some of that false confidence, or, at the very least, tell at least one person who exudes this delusional personality trait that he or she is out of his freaking mind and bring this person back down to planet mud.
Somewhere along the line, the Land of Illusions became the Land of Delusions. Talentless people think they're prodigies, fat people think they're sexy, loud people think they're charming, and people who teach you a hard lesson in getting crapped on think they're your friends. Delusional people think that less is more, no news is good news, and a piece of fried chicken is healthy because it only has three grams of carbs (even though it has 12 grams of fat). We don't have money for school books, but fast food joints are building play areas so big it looks like Six Flags Over McDonald's. Maybe it's good that these places are thriving, because our under-educated children are going to need a place to work one day REAL soon.
Most of us need delusions. Without the delusion that we'll "make it" one day, a lot of us would just quit. I know there's talent out there - there has to be. Make another resolution to hang in there.
Just for the record, I think resolutions are b.s. Really, they're just an excuse to screw off the last six weeks of each year. I like to use that time to get a jump on the new year - ease into the newness so it doesn't all just land on my head like a pile of bricks. I also know that by January third, I'll accept the fact that, new year or not, every day is a new day and you need to make the best of it. Keep writing, keep dieting, keep exercising, and balance your checkbook. Don't put all the pressure on yourself on the first day of January, or else you'll never make it last. If you want to change... if you just want to be a better person... there's no day like today.
And, while you're at it, help others become better people, too. Here's some guidelines:
Your pet doesn't need to breed. There are millions of unwanted dogs and cats put to death every year because of out-of-control breeding. If you want your child to "experience the miracle of birth", take her to a maternity ward. Maybe it'll stop her from breeding, too.
Find a decent parking space that doesn't block the road or anyone's driveway. You have to walk a block or two? Tough crap. Be happy you can walk. If you park in my driveway one more time, walking might be a problem for you from here on out.
That chunk of metal in your tongue doesn't do what you think it does. It's only there for attention, and you don't want that kind of attention. Besides, what makes you think I'd prefer a ball bearing over a smooth tongue? I want that like I want my car seat torn open and filled in with old bottle caps.
Don't stand on the edge of the curb when you're waiting for the light to change. I'm waiting for the day when my side-view mirror knocks someone out.
Recycle. Plastic, metal, glass - they can all get dumped at proper collection sites. It's not that hard. Also, old clothing and other useable items can be donated to shelters that cater to homeless people, runaways, AIDS babies and battered women. Have a heart.
Keep your car clean. I've looked in your cars. I've seen shopping carts with more organization.
Don't go to sperm banks. Are you that stupid? There's no pro athletes or Nobel Prize-winning scientists there. The only people who "donate" to those places are people who need $25 real bad - probably for beer. The only Heisman Trophy winner I can think of who's really hard up for money isn't someone you want to procreate with.
Do something that makes you smile. You'll be amazed at how productive it will make you.
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