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It's there. It's evil and horrible and it will be nothing but a plague on society. I know it's there. How do I know?
Because I created it.
I'm talking about a videocassette that contains last night's episode of The Surreal Life. It's in my VCR as I write this. I still have two episodes of That 70's Show to get through before I watch Ron Jeremy, Vanilla Ice and Tammy Fay Baker share a house.
What is TV coming to?
As writers, we've all ranted about the crap factor. Let's be honest - most people who claim to be writers were originally prompted/motivated by the "I can write better than this" decree we hear (and say) so often. There aren't a lot of writers in Hollywood that are here because they love stories so much they want to tell them... create them.
When I worked at (Big Name Studio), my division was open to its employees pitching ideas. The Development Department issued pitching guidelines, and the one that really stood out was "Don't tell us how much everything else sucks." Basically, just because everything else sucks doesn't mean that what you're presenting is gold. It was a good guideline. Plenty of people shout "I'm doing the best I can" while they're doing an absolutely awful job.
Back to reality - shows, that is.
Reality shows have come full circle. The original reality show was the talk show, and we could listen to Johnny Carson, Howard Stern or Phil Donahue interview a celebrity and get a little glimpse into his personal life. When that celebrity's shelf life expired, he was nice enough to retire to a nice mansion. You never saw Liberace, Raquel Welch and Errol Flynn sharing some bunk beds and competing for food.
The problem today is that we have too damn many famous people. You don't have to cure a disease or have eleven hit movies to be famous any more. Girlfriends, boyfriends, criminals, scandals, sports and local politics all bring us names that will never be forgotten. Plus, the influx of cable television, music videos, porn, documentaries, independent film festivals and news coverage has not only increased the number of celebrities, but opened up avenues for new ones. We now have hundreds of openings for just about anyone to become a celebrity if they're willing to eat insects or be around Ron Jeremy.
We have become such a society of celebrity seekers that the only way some actors can now get work is to act like "average" people and get on a reality show. The sad irony is that once the show is over, so is their career, because the only thing their agents have available is more reality shows.
To further the irony, we now have celebrity reality shows. Since there are so many celebrities in our present-day society, real actors and actresses now have to compete with media celebs for the dwindling number of actual acting roles. No more do we have to hire someone to play a maniac or lunatic. If they're free on bail, we can get the actual criminal to play himself. I guess it only seems fair that criminals are becoming celebrities, since so many celebrities were becoming criminals.
So, if your career didn't have the longevity you thought it would... or didn't become as mainstream as it "should" have been... or you didn't save your money like you were supposed to... you can always stay in the spotlight by going on a reality show.
Where does that leave us writers? I can think of three words, and they begin with the letters S.O.L. Reality shows don't need writers - they need puppet masters. Just hang in there, people, and let this thing ride itself out. It's already reached the point where pre-fab celebs are the focus of our attention, so now the phenomenon is building to the point of eruption. So, unless you're going to take reality TV to the next level with shows like Who Wants to Help Me Rob a Liquor Store? or Who's Gonna Pick Me Up from Rehab?, watch these shows, laugh, and be happy you're not one of them.
Okay... Eight struggling screenwriters share a house and work on the next great movie script, gradually voting each other out of the house until there is only one person left to take credit for the script, which is guaranteed production at an independent studio. We could call it The Write Stuff or something equally cutesy, and the writers could compete for rewards by doing things writers are notoriously bad at: feats of strength, personal hygiene care or math. It sounds pretty horrible, doesn't it?
It sounds almost as horrible as Big Brother 4.
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