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I am officially declaring my quest for an agent to be over... again.
I tried a different approach this time, but I did it during the holidays. For whatever reason, all of Hollywood shuts down about the middle of november and slowly begins to re-open its tired, sun shy eyes about the second Tuesday of January.
Final results: eight query letters in early December equals zero results. Seven query letters in mid January equals one response. These were very specific letters addressed to agents who represent exactly the type of writers that have written similar scripts to the two I was pitching. I once again have to conclude that blind query letters are a billion-to-one shot. When agents say they only consider new clients who come through referral, it's not your talent that's being referred - it's your sanity. They want somebody they know to convince them that you're not just another Hollywood lunatic who can't handle rejection.
Do I need to make yet ANOTHER American Idol reference?
Since we're on the subject of career moves...
Last week on The Superbowl, Justin Timberlake helped Janet Jackson expose her boob (covered nipple). It's been all over the news more than the grocery strikes, the war, or her brother's latest accusation of child molestation. Not only that, a federal agency is now launching an investigation on the level of Watergate.
I think the message is clear, people: it's all about exposure. Get on a stage, get on a TV show, get on the news and get partially naked. Paris Hilton now has a career because of her sex tape. Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee both went from stars to superstars because of their sex tapes. People went crazy when they heard that Halle Berry was going to appear topless in Swordfish.
It's said that there's no such thing as bad publicity. Scandals make stars. It worked for Joey Buttafuco. It worked for Hugh Grant. It worked for Pee Wee Herman.
Janet Jackson has a career again.
So, get cracking, young writers. Put down that pen and pick up a crack pipe or a hand gun. Get your hands off that keyboard and put them on a publicly exposed body part - yours or someone else's, it doesn't matter. Just make sure that people know your name. Forget about writing original material - you have to go out and BECOME original material. The day after that guy at the Cubs/Marlins game screwed up the field play (last year's MLB playoffs), Hollywood signed Kevin James to play him in a movie titled Fan Interference. It's just that simple.
Look for Tito to moon the audience during the Oscars. You might ask "How is Tito going to get into the Oscars?" That's a good question, but where there's a will, there's a way.
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