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What a weekend. I just finished making candy-coated caramel Rice Krispie treats, so I figure while they're cooling it's the perfect time to talk about a violent religious movie that's got everyone screaming at each other.
This weekend, the world witnessed something amazing: the power of word-of-mouth advertising. I didn't see a single advertisement for The Passion of the Christ. No bus-stop posters, no commercials during Friends, no Passion of the Christ lunch boxes or Tickle-Me-Jesus dolls lining the shelves of the toy store... not that I go to toy stores. I'm an adult. I go to adult stores.
That didn't sound good, either. I'm getting off track.
When I first heard that Mel Gibson was making a violent movie with Vin Diesel, I was psyched. I'm a big fan of Mel Gibson, but if I see one more suck-ass Lethal Weapon movie blatantly trying to vacuum ten dollar bills out of movie goers' pockets I'm gonna scream. And, as far as Vin Diesel goes, he started off strong, carefully picking some choice small rolls (Saving Private Ryan, The Iron Giant, The Boiler Room) before taking on the roll of XXX. This could've been the next James Bond or Jack Ryan, but he's already given up the roll (Ice Cube will star in XXX2). Vin starred in that crappy cop-done-wrong I-stand-alone movie and then disappeared. Both these guys were in grave danger of going Stallone on us. We were in terrible danger of seeing Stop or My Mom's Same-Sex Partner Will Shoot, Too.
So, it struck me as a wave of genius when Mr. Gibson decided to team up with Mr. Diesel. Mel is having great success as a director/producer, and Vin was our new big action star. The buzz words were "bloody" and "violent" and other such action staples. This could be GREAT!
And then there's Jesus. What?! Vin Diesel as a gun-toting Jesus? How do make that work? Maybe it's not THE Jesus. Maybe it's some guy named Jesus from Columbia or Mexico out looking for revenge on the drug lords who killed his family when he was a small boy. Then we're back to the overused clich? and I'm not up for that either.
So, needless to say, I didn't go see this movie. I found out that it really was about THE Jesus and I saw clips on the news where angry people were poking him with pointy sticks. I don't need to see that. There's so many people I'd like to see poked with pointed sticks, and none of them are in this film. How about Rush Limbau screaming about drug addicts while he's popping pills? How about Susan Smith, the woman who drove her kids into the lake so that she could be free to date? How about Scott Pederson? No one's buying his story. How about the guy who wrote Lethal Weapon 4?
At the very least, Mel should've cast OJ as Jesus. I'd pay to see him poked with pointy sticks and spit on. I will give some credit, however, to Vin Diesel. The clips I saw on the news were amazing. I didn't even recognize the guy. Clearly, we've been selling him short by labeling him as some shoot-em-up bag of biceps. I'm going to assume Mel Gibson saw something in this guy... something that reminded him of himself. Remember, Mel went from being The Road Warrior to being an Academy Award-winning director.
Coming Soon:
They're a pair of roommates struggling to make it in show business. One can't pay his phone bill, and the other can't pay the madam who scores him Penthouse-caliber call girls. Watch as the mob and the phone company team up to hunt these two men who must put aside their differences and work together to survive.
From the producers who brought you Sit-N-Sleep, The Movie, and Academy Award-winning director Vin Diesel.
Emmy Award-winner Charlie Sheen and Academy Award nominee Carrot Top star in an updated remake of the classic Blake Edwards comedy A Fine Mess.
In theaters soon. Bring a pointy stick. - you'll have to repeatedly jab it into your leg to keep you awake.
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