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This weekend, I watched a woman attempt to pay for a Sunday newspaper with a credit card. Emphasis on the word "attempt". After four passes through the electronic card reader, she was still oblivious to the fact that she was holding up the line.
Last week, I came out of a supermarket in time to see Mr. Lookatmyabs walking towards the store entrance with his shirt open... at 7AM when it was barely 50 degrees out. Clearly, he had spent many sweat-filled hours at the gym, and was very proud of the results. I will probably never know why he parked in the handicapped space. I guess the spot three spaces down was just too far a walk for him.
Welcome to L.A. It's not just one world out here - it's several million different worlds, each occupied by one supreme ruler and the few humanoids that drift in and out of its gravitational pull.
Let me tell you a story...
I had two roommates. Not at the same time, mind you - these were two completely different roommates, two years apart, but with similar game plans that involved me whether I liked it or not. They shared a similar M.O. - lounge around the house for weeks at a time, consuming the groceries I paid for and accomplishing nothing. Then, work called, and some B-movie piece of crap would pay them to leave me alone for up to two solid weeks. Then it was back to hibernation mode for 3-5 days while waiting for their check... and then it was showtime.
Maybe the most amazing thing about people with no money is that when they get a lump sum of money they spend it like it's going to expire in the morning. You can always tell the lottery winners in any trailer park. They're the ones with the solid gold patio furniture. Yet, oddly enough, they never leave the trailer park.
And, so it was with my roommates, cashing a check that represented two weeks of 15-hour days. First priority was to pay all the late bills (which was good), and second priority was to buy some overpriced piece of whatever that really was too much for them to afford. On a normal pay schedule, where that one check would've been spread out over five weeks, they never would think to save up $450 to spend on a coast guard short-wave scanner, but when that lump-sum payoff comes along, it's steak dinners and nudie bars until the pocket is empty... which is usually less than 72 hours. Then, it's back to eating my food and sitting around all day. It's good to be the king of your own little world.
Life is good... for them. Not for me. Life was not good for me. I hated these people. L.A. is full of these people.
Like Bill Cosby used to say, I told you that story so that I could tell you this one:
The first of these two guys was pure Hollywood. The first thing he ever said to me was "What do you do?" and that's always a bad sign. The other bad sign was when he was showing me a bunch of prints that he had made from slides, done by "my friend at the copy place". He used the word "friend" several times in the conversation, and I thought he meant that the guy was... well... an actual friend. A few days later I went to the copy place with him, and his "friend" made him stand in line, pay full price, explain who he was and remind him of his name. Some friend.
People in Hollywood use the word "friend" a little too loosely. To this guy - and to many others that I've met - anyone who can do something for you is your friend. No. A friend isn't someone who "can" do something for you (for the right price). A friend is someone who actually DOES do something for you (for no price). As Dave Attell puts it, "A friend is someone who will help you move. A best friend is someone who will help you move a body."
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